I've been writing a lot lately; journal entries, short stories, poems, an impossibly daunting screenplay. Its cathartic and balances me. I think to myself how crazy it is that I'm actually pushing myself to sit down and write these out but then I realize that I really can't hold it in anymore. Its a good feeling. Anyway I think this one is done and I feel confident enough to show it to the world. A big thanks to Emma and Lindsay for the editing.
It Wasn't Yet the Spring
A song triggered two memories at once. Like a gun shot it was deafening and claimed all of his attention.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to check out these books,” Farah replied with her soft voice.
His vulnerable eyes exposed the urge to get her out of the library as fast as possible. How the hell did I not see her walk in here he thought. Without saying another word he pulled out her account on the computer. It was almost impossible to not shout, scream and confess his newfound hatred for her. He reined his pain back forcing himself to scan the books under the laser.
BEEP One book down.
BEEP Two.
He could feel her awkward stare.
“So I went furniture shopping the other day,” she desperately tempted him to reply.
Why is she telling me this? She knows how much I wanted to go with her? He thought.
“Good for you.” He anxiously tried to appear indifferent.
He unlocked the security within the books, opened one of them and placed the receipt inside.
“They’re due on the 14th.” This time he managed to say it indifferently.
Farah walked out wanting to cry, feeling unfulfilled and even more confused with what had just happened. She walked outside and the winter freezing gust slapped her rosy face. Crying, she paced quickly to her car.
Raul’s second memory followed like a lightening strike.
Raul and Farah were standing underneath some sycamore trees. Spring was unfolding the flowers in the park.
“I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad!” Farah frustratingly retorted.
“How the fuck were you not? You came to see me at work!? Just three days after you chose him over me!? THREE DAYS!” He shouted.
“I missed you, it was not as easy as you think to let you go!” she begged for his understanding.
Raul looked at her, she looked sincere and even confused. She looked back with watery eyes.
She softly continued, “You know my sister drove me to the library that day, when I walked in the car I bawled. I realized I made a mistake.”
“You’re damn right it was a mistake to come see me!” he snapped.
“No Raul! It was a mistake to choose David over you.”
Raul had no idea what to say. A part of him wanted to kiss her, to hold her again. He wanted to feel and fall back in love with her, he thought that maybe that impulse was a sign he was still in love with her. The other half of his soul knew better. The pain is not worth it, I’m not capable of trusting her again, he realized.
“Is that why you asked me here today? To put me through another torture chamber? Farah, how do you expect me to trust you!? I gave you EVERYTHING I had, you know more about me than anyone!”
“And you do too!” she quickly interrupted.
“What couch did you buy?” It seemed as though Raul was changing the subject.
“The one you loved so much. The one that you called perfect!” she answered.
“And you fucked him on it didn’t you!”
She started to cry. He almost felt bad.
“I’m not perfect Raul. You know what I’ve been through with him. You know he asked me to marry him, don’t act like you don’t know about my miscarriage with him! Try to understand! I had just met you, I didn’t know I was going to fall so hard for you. I miscalculated, I thought my history with David overweighed my love for you but I was wrong!” She defended.
Raul was too stubborn to put himself in her shoes for even half of a second. He didn’t care, his heart still throbbed with pain. He felt as if the wound didn’t even begin to heal itself. He began to question his decision to come meet her, what was I thinking? I was not ready for this. Farah looked at him, held out her hands and with her soft fingers she gently grabbed his hands.
“I love you but I cannot say that I regret what I did, I had to go back to him to realize that it was you who I truly wanted.”
He looked to his side and stared at the thawing pond. Was his heart too beginning to thaw out? He didn’t know what to think.
“I have never been so miserable in my life. You made me feel the happiest I have ever been. I was invincible, like Superman. Being with you showed me a part of myself that I never knew; it showed me a part of the world that I never knew existed. I was so ignorantly in love with you that I did not consider what it would be like without you. I’ll admit that what we had was short but it was the most intense love I have ever given or accepted from anyone.”
“I feel the same way.” She interrupted again.
“You have to stop interrupting me,” he joked.
She laughed and added, “It was you who interrupted me, when you came into my life you stopped me from what all I planned, everything I had I paused to be with you.”
Half of his lip lifted, his crooked smile made her feel better.
“You are so beautiful Farah, you stop traffic with your everything. You are the kindest person I know, you’re gentle but sexy and you use it against me to win all of our quarrels. I probably still love you but I…”
Her phone started to ring. She ignored it for the first time in her life.
He wanted so badly to kiss her, he remembered that she had the softest lips he had ever kissed. He missed her perfume, she wore the perfect sweaters to cover but accentuate her breasts. He longed for the times where they just stared at each other after sex. He missed holding her hand in the cinema. He missed sliding and tickling and teasing her by gliding his fingers on her bare back. She moved in closer to his face.
He did the same.
Time stopped and he filled the space with his lips. Their eyes closed and he felt his heart begin to shed all of the despair. He glided his tongue gently through her lips and released his doubt. He slid his fingers behind her head and felt her hair tickle his skin. His other hand grabbed her hips and pulled her closer. Her arms wrapped over his neck and tied him to her. He allowed himself to experience their intertwined love and once again felt fulfilled.
They stopped and he opened his eyes. Only an inch away from her face he said, “I can’t do this.” He untangled his fingers from her hair and she pushed away from him confused.
“I am incapable of trusting you, Farah,” he continued, “Fuck this, how can you be so selfish?”
Once more she began to cry realizing that she would never have him ever again.
“Don’t call me again," he said walking away. It was definitely immature. Raul had never fallen so deeply in love like that in his life. He wanted her to feel pain, his rejection was his revenge. He wanted her to feel even half of the hurt he had undergone. It was clear that the line between love and hate had been permanently blurred.
The song that placed him in these two memories ended. Raul realized and regretted for the first time after three years that his action was selfish, immature and pointless. He now knew that they experienced the same amount of pain but his revenge caused an imbalance. He felt terrible, he wanted to fly across the world to apologize. Was it too late to say sorry, after so much time did it even matter?
Carlos Jesus Fernandez-Torres
February 28, 2012
Meidougou, Cameroon
